What Does It Mean To Be Truly Living?

After a very nourishing conversation with a dear friend recently, the question of what it means to be living one’s life arose. And if one is not living their life, what is it that makes it so?

This feeling may be evoked in different ways for different people. Perhaps it appears for the person who feels stuck in a 9-5 job she resents. Or for the new mother who is tied to being home and at the beckon call of her baby and nap schedules. Or for the traveler at heart who is so riddled by anxiety at the thought of getting on a plane that he rarely leaves a certain mile radius around his house.

These differing circumstances lead to a similar thought pattern and therefore a similar emotional response: “there is a type of life out there that others are living that I wish I was living. And if I was living (this imagined life) I would be truly living my life, I would feel alive. Therefore, I am alive, but I don’t feel alive.” In more extreme cases, this can feel like depression.

I once heard the saying that comparison is the thief of joy. Although I could argue against this, for the sake of this article, it stands true. If the 9-5 person looks at their Instagram from the office cubicle, seeing her friends enjoying a day at the beach, this feeling of “not living” will be exacerbated. If the new mom has a friend visit who shares about her day of a massage and a lunch at a restaurant, the new mom may feel the life she was living before her baby has been robbed from her. And for the traveler at heart who follows travel blogs to see all the places he hasn’t been and isn’t’ going, a sense of shame and boredom may take over. The unspoken shadow aspect creeping up in such scenarios is that of judgement of one’s own life. Judging something else (or someone else’s life) to be better than what is for me. This judgement is a thief of inner peace.

And so, this begs the question: what does it mean to be truly living one’s life in a way in which time that could otherwise be spent on more preferable things does not feel wasted? To truly be living your life you don’t have to be traveling the world, or not working. You don’t even have to leave your home. To be living your life in an attainable and consistent way that feels like you are alive you must accept what is (the current circumstances) and find peace within those circumstances, and even a little joy.

Now one might argue, but I love traveling, what’s wrong with wanting to travel. The answer is nothing, if you are speaking of a DESIRE or goal, to travel. But desires and goals don’t feel bad. They don’t cut us down. They don’t judge our life as “worse” or “less alive” because we aren’t currently traveling. Desire is a north star for where you want to go, or something you’d like to do or achieve, and it is exciting. This is the difference between EVALUATING one’s life (I’d really like to experience traveling to x, that would be fun), and JUDGING one’s life (I am not currently traveling to x and therefore my life is dull and meaningless and a waste of time.

Now the question I often get asked, HOW do I then feel more alive within my life the way it is? How does one accept what is and find peace within it? It takes conscious effort. It takes trusting that the more you practice the more naturally it will come to you. It takes noticing all the times this will be challenged by someone’s highlight reel on social media, or a coworkers honeymoon they just booked.

A dog does not judge the fact that he is inside while he sees the squirrels running around outside. He doesn’t make that mean his life is of any less value. So why do we? We trick ourselves into thinking it’s motivating to see what others are doing and compare, when it actually has the opposite effect and perpetuates the spiral.

The most content people find joy in the small things. They don’t pressure themselves to have or do more. They accept their life circumstance for what they are in the now and find what is enjoyable within that now. They problem solve what is not working for them; what is in their control to change they change. They have a depth of awareness so as not to believe that the grass is greener on the other side. Mindfulness practices and gratitude go a long way for this situation. As does having things that you look forward to no matter how small they are.

What this might look like: the 9-5 job person realizes she is grateful for the consistent paycheck she receives and decides to save some money out of every paycheck overtime to look forward buying something she feels really excited about. She may list all the things she wished she was doing (or thinks others are doing) during the work week and schedule her weekends to incorporate such activities. She may evaluate what she does enjoy about her job and find that the quiet time during the commute spent listening to interesting podcasts is something she looks forward to daily. She may acknowledge the gratitude she feels for the coworkers who have created a sense of community and start incorporating lunches out with them to spend time with her favorite coworkers during the week.

The new mom may reminisce on all the pre-baby days she felt rushed, overscheduled, stressed to get somewhere on time. Although the new pace is an adjustment, she finds joy in the reprieve from traffic and deadlines, and uses the quiet solitude to start meditating and regulating her nervous system when she holds her baby. She looks forward to when her baby is older and they venture out more, trying new experiences together. Knowing this phase will pass, she feels excitement for all that is to come in motherhood. She is grateful that she and her baby are healthy, and they have a safe home to hide away in together. She begins to notice the sounds of the birds in their yard in the morning when she opens the window. Something she’d never had the time to notice or appreciate before. She starts bird watching, a new hobby she never knew she’d love, when her baby is napping.

And the anxious flyer who so desperately wants to travel may embark on a self-awareness journey. He finds a therapist who helps him to acknowledge his limiting belief that if you are not in route to or from somewhere, then you are boring and dull and you have no stories to tell. They uncover that traveling is an unconscious escape from his day-to-day feelings he is avoiding feeling. He discovers the root of his beliefs and begins to challenge them. He starts to notice how prevalent his anxiety is and works with his nervous system in the moment. He realizes weather he travels or not, he is still the same person carrying the same feelings inside, he can’t run from them. He feels grateful for the challenges that he once thought were imprisoning; he finds that they were actually the very thing he needed to open up his inner world, instead of his outer world. He begins to plan road trips which feel interesting to him, because he wants to learn from new places, no longer because he needs to feel interesting to others. He also begins reading adventure stories and finds that this immerses him in a satisfying fantasy world.

And so, if there is one takeaway from this article, it’s that your own self judgement is what’s robbing you of feeling you are truly living (enjoying, utilizing) your life. No one else is watching your life and comparing it, judging it, or ranking it for worthiness. You are in charge of cultivating your own acceptance, and yes, even the joy in the now which is very possible If you pay attention to your own life, and less to other’s lives.